#NewBeginnings _ Rekindled – The Journey To Forgiveness

By February 11, 2016Uncategorized

New-Beginnings-Post-5

I wasn’t ready for him. I wasn’t ready for this. For the longest time I had dreamed about it – about what I would say – about what I would do – about how I would yell, scream, hurt him with my words. But now all I could do was sit in the bath water and cower. He came into the tent too soon. Living with the Egyptian women had taught me one thing – always dress the part – and this, was not the part. So I did the only thing I knew how to do; the one thing that had become more than familiar to me. I kept my head down, avoided eye contact and refused to speak. Thank God for Hagar. What’s she doing over there anyway? It doesn’t matter – I’m glad it’s not just the two of us in the tent tonight. I see him glancing at me. Are those nerves or is that desire? It doesn’t matter. I Am Not Ready to deal with him.

*****

I walked in too soon. Even after busying myself with everything under the sun and taking hours before coming, it was still too soon. But I’m here now and I wish she would just look at me. Just glance my way. She won’t even look at me. And I can’t stop staring at her. She is so beautiful. As beautiful as the day I first laid eyes on her. Time and circumstance have taken their toll on her but she is still the most exquisite creature I ever laid eyes on. I love her now more than ever – I’m just not sure if she will ever love me again. I know I don’t deserve her love or her forgiveness – I would give my right arm to take back that one moment of weakness. I wish she would just look at me. I am a broken man. I was a fool. Please Sarai, Just look at me.

*****

Why won’t he just go away? I have nothing to say to him. My heart broke into a million little pieces and I will not give it back to him. Thank God for Hagar – she seems strangely at peace and eerily comforting. She is the only thing I took with me from Egypt. At least he got his wealth and riches. All I have from what remains painfully familiar is the strange but beautiful maidservant. She’s always around and has learnt to subtly appear and disappear when I need her. The other day I almost wished that she wasn’t there as we sat and enjoyed a meal I had cooked. The scents and smells of the stewed lamb and unleavened bread brought back memories of my childhood and memories of our dating days and visions of earlier in our marriage. When I reached out to serve his meal, our hands touched and I felt a foreign electric sensation. But then Hagar appeared and the moment vanished. For just one moment he was the man I first fell in love with – but then the moment was gone and with it the sweetness thereof and we were once again two strangers and a maid.

*****

Why won’t she just listen to me? Why won’t she just give me a chance to make things better? And why is this strange woman always around? I wish we had more time to ourselves. The other day I reached out to take her hand. It was #thatawkwardmoment when she was reaching out to serve my meal. We’ve fallen into a comfortable silence and routine. We share only a tent – and even that we have to share with the strange little Egyptian. I almost thought I felt her flirting with me one day – does she really think I could ever love her? Over my precious Sarai? I want my life back Lord. I want my love back. I made a mistake – one mistake that cost me everything. I haven’t prayed in a long time but now I’m begging you Lord – Give me my wife back. Please.

*****

There’s trouble brewing in the camp. I hear it whispered when they think I’m not around. The other women had gotten so used to me not being there that they show me little respect. Especially her – her husband is my husband’s nephew. He was a good boy once that one. But his wife is something else. She’ whispers behind my back and smiles to my face. She plots and plans and schemes and smiles. I know what she’s up to but it has taken every single thing in me to adjust to being back and I simply don’t have the energy to fight her or confront her. I spoke with my husband about it the other day – that’s strange : we spoke; I called him my husband. For the first time since I had been back we talked as friends. A strange camaraderie has developed between us. It’s like we’ve been offered a Second Chance to start over with the benefit of hindsight and the wisdom of experience. We talk a lot more now. I find Hagar to be more of a nuisance and have started putting distance between us. And definitely between her and my husband / friend.

*****

We had a real conversation last night. Like a real conversation. She told me about the trouble brewing in the camp and what the women are saying. I’ve tried for a long time to avoid this discussion with my men but with her, I’m mostly just glad that we have a friendship of sorts. We are truly strange bedfellows my wife and I. She called me by name for the first time since she came back. It felt good hearing my name roll off her tongue. The regret will always be there but grace is teaching me to let go. She warned me about Lot’s wife. It’s nothing that I hadn’t seen coming. The woman is quite easily the most unpleasant female on the face of the earth. Her words drip with venom and her actions are laced with poison. There’s trouble brewing that I must address but I’d rather focus on building my relationship and repairing my marriage. That woman tried to talk to me about my wife. For the life of me I still can never get her name but her Egyptian ways give me the creeps. Her words sounded strangely like words I had heard from my nephew’s wife when my wife was away : derogatory but with a smile; disrespectful but with a bow; degrading but with a giggle. Their spirits are similar – they both have an agenda and for some strange reason I feel like the agenda is me. After everything I have put her through, all I can think about is protecting her. And that I will do even if it kills me.

*****

There’s a scuffle outside. It’s more than a scuffle. It’s a fight. I hear the sound of metal on metal and cursing and profanity. The men are fighting and this time blood has been drawn. My husband has been away in the fields for days and something must be done. I don’t want to be the one to do it but nobody will stop it if I don’t and we cannot have death on our hands. I send word for two of my husband’s most trusted servants to escort me. I stop the fight and try to reason with the men. They don’t like it but are willing to hear me out. That is until that woman appears. The air is thick with toxicity as she riles up her husband’s men. Lot doesn’t say much. He lets her speak. I silence her with my sharp words and dare her to challenge me again with my glaring stare. I defend my husband and his men. I order a separation and send a party out to find Abram. This nonsense must come to an end and it must do so before someone looses a life. As I go back to my tent, I catch a glimpse of Hagar – at least I think it’s her – talking to that woman. The moment I pause to look closer the mysterious figure disappears into the crowd. I walk on and find Hagar in my tent. I must have been mistaken. But that uneasy feeling will not leave me. I yearn for my husband’s company and covering and for the first time in a long time I realize that our love has been rekindled. We have indeed been given a #NewBeginning

*****

Lord I don’t know what to do. I have tried everything but now all I want is my wife back. It’s not so much the burning with desire (don’t get me wrong; that is there alright) but more so the sweetness of a companion and the aching of a love lost. Today I will go back and talk to her. She must listen because this is going to be it. I’m tired of playing games. I have done everything within my power as a man to beg for forgiveness. Today, I will give her the choice: I will allow her to go back to Egypt or to the land of her father. But this stalemate and mixed signals I can no longer endure. God, show me a sign please. I need to hear from you. … … … … There’s a commotion on the horizon. A party riding out towards me. Only one man knew my exact location and if it is him then the only reason he would fetch me is because her life is in danger. Lord, help me please. Let her be ok. My heart is pounding and my mouth is dry. I need to find her and protect her Lord.

[TO BE CONTINUED] … … …

You are Beautiful – Empowered – Visionary

You are @BeautifulPetal_

Comments

comments

Author Bev

I am Beautiful - Empowered - Visionary

More posts by Bev