Bathshua – The Daughter of Prosperity – Bathsheba – A Daughter of an Oath … Prosperous No More, An Oath Broken

By October 13, 2012Uncategorized

I don’t understand what is happening. I have never felt this way before. It seems like my body is rebelling against itself. It feels odd. I haven’t been able to keep my food down in a while. Mornings are worse. Onions make me sick. I can’t stand being around my friends and family. Not that I don’t love them, just that I’m trying to figure out what on earth is going on with my body. Half the time I feel awkward and uneasy, half the time I’m sad and moody – the other half I’m holed up somewhere crying. Nobody understands what I’m going through – least of all me … I’m always feeling awkward and out of place already – why can’t my body just behave?

… … …

It’s been two weeks and this flu won’t go away. I wish it would. I have so much on my plate as it is. My mother has started looking at my funny and ‘casually’ popping into my room when I’m getting dressed in the mornings. She doesn’t trust me, but doesn’t say it. She doesn’t have to, I can see it in her eyes. She knows I’m hiding something but is waiting for me to confess to her – If she only knew how much she doesn’t want to be a part of this secret. If she only knew how bad this was, she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. She mustn’t find out. Nobody can find out. I wish she’d go back home already. This visit is long overdue and I need my house back, my space. I need to think. If only I hadn’t … … …

… … …

The morning has been worse than usual. Mother finally left, but not before making me promise that I would allow my childhood nanny to stay and take care of me “If I needed her”. Good God, she knows. What am I going to do? I didn’t like the woman growing up and I sure as heaven don’t want her around me and … … … Around me. I need to slip out of the house. The walls are closing in and I feel like I can’t breath when she’s around – and she’s always around.

How on earth did I get to this point? All I wanted was to feel the sun on my face. My cycle had been turbulent and all I wanted was some sun and nothing else. I couldn’t have bargained for what I got. I should never have ordered my maidservants to bring my bath out here – but how was I to know that the overwhelming sense of being watched wasn’t just a figment of my imagination? After all, the king’s chambers were all but deserted what with him off fighting some war. My own husband Uriah as well as all my other male relatives of fighting age where out there risking their lives for him – with him: My father Eliam, my brother Machir, and so many more. I couldn’t have known. Then I shouldn’t have gone with the men who came for me later that evening – but how could I have known? I should have said no to him – afterall he was just a man. This was all just a bad dream.

… … …

It has been decades and finally I have forgiven myself. I will still always live with the sin that besets, but God has shown me mercy and has forgiven me, and slowly I have begun to forgive myself. My 1st husband is long dead, his bones have dried up. He was so handsome. For the longest time I didn’t think I would survive. I never thought I could know love again. I heard the rumors but refused to believe them. That horrible week when he lost his life, the grapevine told me he had been summoned back to the city. I was terrified – and so I should have been – but I had no power to speak. It ended soon after for him – and with him a part of me died a little but for the baby already beginning to kick and flutter in my womb.

… … … After the death of the King’s son, I willed myself to die as well. I just couldn’t help but feel like his blood too was on my hands; I never got a chance to hold him and tell him how much he meant to me. I was besides myself – BUT FOR THE GRACE.

I look back and forth between my husband and my son Solomon and I know that God forgets and indeed gives a new name. I chose to be the daughter of the oath and chose to inherit the prosperity of El Ohim.

My name is Bathseba – I am a woman broken but the daughter of an oath therefore I have  future and a Hope. I am Bathsheba and all nations call me blessed this night as they watch – My husband won’t last much longer, but my son will be king. I am a woman broken – and I’m proud of who God has made me. He truly is the God of the second change, and for that I praise Him.

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Author Bev

I am Beautiful - Empowered - Visionary

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