I sat there dreading what was about to happen, I didn’t know how to say what I had to say but I knew that I had to say it. I went around and about in circles for a while then finally came out with it. Once it was out, it was out and instead of the dread and fear and yuckiness that had been eating me alive, I felt … Relief. It’s like I had been carrying this big heavy rock around with it and now finally I had laid it down. Sometimes when you carry things around with you and refuse to let go, you become so used to the heaviness and the dreariness of it all it becomes a comfort zone and a safe place for you.
One of the things that I struggle with but am learning to do is let someone else help me. I don’t know how to ask for help, I don’t know how to reach out when I need to, I don’t know how to cry out when things are bad. I know how to be strong and how to be there for others and how to be in control. This season God is teaching me to let go and allow others the pleasure and the honor of being there for me.
The thing with yesterday, it was not so much about an action but just letting someone in and allowing them to sit as I exhaled. And Exhale I did!!! I feel like I haven’t exhaled in a LONG, LONG, LONG time. My lungs were burning up and I was getting dizzy from holding it all in, but I kept going. I felt like I had no option.
As women, sometimes we feel we have to do that. That if we don’t do things ourselves and the first time around, things won’t get done or done right. I’m a fixer. Out me in a situation where I have to fix things or manage a crisis or attend to an emergency, and I FLOURISH! I fix my mind on that thing and refuse to let go until that thing comes to pass. I find ways to work magic and work miracles in the lives of those who depend on me.
A friend once asked me after an extreme intense crisis “If you’re there for everyone Bev, then Who is there for you?” Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I have no-one there for me. It’s just that I sometimes don’t know how to let people in. Today I am learning that letting go and letting the right people in and reaching out and even asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it really truly is a sign of your strength as a person.
As they say, No Man Is An Island!
So today I will sit back, enjoy the ride and allow my beloved garden to bloom as the beautiful petals around me shower me with love!
XOXO: From A-Girl-About-Town