“We wear the mask that grins and lies,
it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, –
This debt we pay to human guile …
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!”
– Paul Laurence Dunbar
She went day after day, night after night, not wanting to trust. Not wanting to love. Not wanting to let anyone in. She had been hurt so many times. She was wounded, scarred and had learned to put on a glass smile and hide her hurt from the world. She was pretentious. Living what nobody knew was a double life. The public one where everything was alright. Where she could fix things and be the solution everyone wanted. The super woman. The super mom. The super sister. The super employee. The super one.
Then there was the private one. The one she put on as soon as the lights were dimmed, the house was quiet and her world was asleep. The one where she couldn’t sleep because if she slept she would dream and if she dreamed she would wake up and if she woke up she would be alone. The one where nobody understood her secret fears and nobody understood her helplessness. The one where she couldn’t articulate her cries because out loud they seemed foolish while inside they were suffocating her. The one where she feared offending people because she feared they would leave her.
Every day she balanced the two lives. Every day she knew she was worth far much more than the world saw, and every day she knew she was not worthy of anything she received, possessed or dreamed of having.
Every day she faced herself in the mirror she saw the lost little girl staring back at the accomplished super woman.
She knew deep down inside that one day something would break – she knew deep down inside that one day something would crack – but she couldn’t control herself. The tighter she held on, the harder it was to keep a hold of her grip.
And then one day it all cracked: She cracked. Her world fell apart. She hit rock bottom – and still she was alone. She tried to piece it together but she couldn’t. Decades of insecurities about her beauty, about her body, about her skills and talents, about her intelligence – decades of putting up a facade – and finally she cracked.
She woke up the next morning wanting to die. Wanting to never wake up. Wanting to never have let him in. All he did was take the little she had left and leave her with nothing. He acted like he loved her, but he never said he did. She needed to hear the words so badly but she couldn’t make him say them. She woke up more lonely after him than she had ever been before he walked into her life. She woke up broken, not knowing how to get up and move one.
And in her brokenness, on her knees, in his bed, on her own, she finally gave herself completely to the only one who could love her back to life. As she lay there alone, naked and vulnerable, she realized that she would not – could not make it in this world full of two’s and to-do’s if she kept going the way she was going.
The games, the pretense, the falseness, the constant masks they all had to go.
There was just one thing she couldn’t figure out: HOW DO YOU LET GO OF YOU? HOW DO YOU STOP BEING YOU? HOW DO YOU LEAVE BEHIND EVERYTHING YOU KNOW HOW TO DO (HOWEVER WRONG). WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOU HAVE NOWHERE AND NOBODY LEFT? HOW DO YOU MOVE FORWARD?
She didn’t have the answers then and she doesn’t have the answers now.
She is woman.
She is hurting.
She’s been wounded.
Rejection, deception, lies and abuse lie at the core of her heart.
What she needs to know, what she needs to believe, what she’s been hearing all her life that she doesn’t know how to embrace is that she is Beautiful – Empowered – Visionary
She is a @BeautifulPetal_
She is #Malkia – and like it or not, the Queen in her must arise!